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YOU either love or hate Stephen Chow’s movies. They are so ridiculously incredulous that you either laugh or grimace at the absurdity. The television trailers of his latest flick, Kung Fu Hustle, had my eight-year-old son chuckling uncontrollably, so I cast aside my misgivings to watch the movie.
My son’s instincts proved right. The show was laugh-out-loud funny. Not only did it spoof scenes from Matrix, Spider-man and cartoon characters Willy Coyote and The Roadrunner, it defied all the cardinal rules of a regular kung fu movie, especially its unconventional ending of the hero forgiving his archrival.
If you have seen as many kung fu movies as I have, you know at least 10 tenets that cannot be broken in this movie genre and they are:
1. A fatally wounded person never dies until he has revealed the identity of the killer. Say there’s been a massacre in the household. Old and young, masters and servants lay sprawled everywhere. Amidst the lifeless bodies, one poor soul, usually related to the hero, still clings to life by a mere whisker. Hero enters, looks around in despair and stumbles upon the almost expired relative. The injured man is propped up on the lap, he whispers the name of the killer and his head lolls off dramatically as he breathes his last. Hero cries and vows revenge.
2. The hero always loses his first duel with the enemy. Why, it’s just the start of the movie and he can’t expect to win so easily. Otherwise, there’s no story. And for some inexplicable reason, the villain always spares the life of the hero. Perhaps a great kung fu fighter’s credo is to never kill an unworthy adversary. But then again, if the hero is killed so early in the show, there’d be no story to tell.
3. The hero must undergo an apprenticeship with an old kung fu master, preferably one with snow white hair. After losing the first fight with his enemy, the frustrated hero realises he needs to beef up his kung fu skills in order to defeat his powerful enemy. He meets an old man who displays some nifty kung fu moves despite his age. The young man pesters the master to accept him as a student. Though the geezer should be enjoying his retirement instead of getting all stressed up over an apprenticeship, he relents as he couldn’t take the bugging.
4. Carrying buckets of water is a mandatory prelude to perfect kung fu. The apprentice has to fetch water from a well and fill up a receptacle some distance away. His tools are two leaky wooden buckets. By the time he reaches the container, there are only a few drops of water left in the buckets, so he has to go back and forth gazillion times before his task is accomplished.
5. The flying chopstick scene in a restaurant is compulsory. Bad hats enter a restaurant and create havoc by disturbing pretty damsels or refusing to pay for their food. Meanwhile, the good guy whose face is partly obscured by a big conical hat, sits quietly at his table, apparently oblivious to the brouhaha. Just when the situation threatens to explode, a pair of chopsticks flies through the air and becomes embedded in the crooks’ table. Yipee! The hero is making his move. With a cartwheel and a hop, he’s at the baddies’ throats, thrashing them up and sending them packing.
6. Kung fu powers can be as forceful as TNT. A simple gesture such as drawing up the fingers into a claw-like pose is powerful enough to smash rocks, blow up mountains or incinerate the enemy with lightning flashes.
7. When someone has been poisoned or inflicted with serious internal injuries, healing is a cross-legged pose away. In a remote cave somewhere, the wounded and healer sit cross-legged with eyes closed in concentration. The healer splays out his palms on the wounded person. Both of them sweat profusely, their faces showing the intense struggle as the healing process takes place. When one of them throws up blood, that’s the signal to stop.
8. The paralyse-your-opponent tactic is as easy as 1-2-3. In Chinese kung fu, one of the coveted skills is to be able to paralyse your opponent in a jiffy. A few strategic taps on the shoulders and back will render a person immobile. Ditto for restoring mobility.
9. Kung fu fighters never use their levitation skills for travelling. They can leap onto trees, fly onto hilltops or somersault great distances but they never use these time-saving techniques when travelling. For that, they rely on four-legged animals or walk like other mortals.
10. Kung fu fighters always discard their clothes in a showdown. They always start the duel immaculately dressed. About two minutes into the fighting, both would rip off the clothes from their torsos, fling their plaits around their necks and strike a dramatic pose before lunging at each other with renewed vigour. At long last, the villain falls. The hero staggers to the inert body. Suddenly, the villain springs up. Another round of fighting ensues before the hero sends his enemy to meet his ancestors. This time he makes sure by twisting the neck or plunging the sword through the heart. Hero survives.
I know what Stephen Chow will say if he reads this list. “Lei sai pouh!” Ridiculous!
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